A little more...

     I would like to tell you a little more. I wasn't just raised by my great-grandmother, her daughter, my maternal grandmother played a very big role in my life as well. Her name is Mary, I call her Pemaw. She is still living, and in fact, I saw her just a few weeks ago. She lives right outside of Memphis. I got to visit her and she got to meet Hayley for the first time. It was wonderful.
     When I was a little girl, I spent every Saturday night at her house. I can remember going through bags of nail polish she kept in the refrigerator and her painting my fingernails and toenails for church the next morning. It is because of her that I grew up in church. Church has always been a very important part of my life. I was very sheltered growing up, and most of the fun things I was allowed to do were church related. I have a very deep faith, and I have Pemaw to thank for placing me in a good church at a very young age.
     She is my best friend in so many ways. I talk to her everyday to make sure she is okay. She is the one and only member of my family that I still talk to. More on that later. I tell her everything. We talk about the kids, and how we are feeling, and what our plans for the day are. I always look forward to telling her what cool thing Ava or Hayley did that day. It makes me so incredibly happy that she has come to know my daughters and has spent quality time with both of them.
     She was the "cool" grandmother. She was the first one to let me wear make-up and try different types of clothes. She would take me to Gatlinburg, TN every year and we would spend time in the mountains. I treasure those days and wish more than anything that I could have one more trip there with her. I would love to take the girls and show them such a beautiful place. I live about a 10 hour drive from her now. But the weird thing is, I think we are closer now than we were when I lived in Memphis. I think we both really appreciate the time we have together when I do make it home, and I think our daily conversations are even more special. After loosing my great-grandmother, I think I value this time I have with her so much more than I did when I was younger. I know all too well how short the time really is, and how I will look back one day and want just one more conversation with her. I do not know how I will make it when she is gone. I cannot even allow myself to think about it.
     She gives me a lot of advice about the girls. She always tells me "the old school" way of doing it. It's so weird to hear how different parenting is now compared to 30 or 40 years ago. Everything from babies sleeping on their stomachs, to when to start milk and baby food. I think I have taught her quite a bit too. I think she finds it interesting to hear the things I do with the girls. Ava loves Dora. Pemaw ordered herself Dora checks just so she could send some to Ava. She got something like five hundred of them, so she will still be using the Dora checks when Ava graduates from high school! But that is just the type of person she is. She will go out of her way to do something to make one of us happy. She has always been the most supportive family member. She has never ever told me what to do when it came to a big decision. She always just says "I want you to do what will make you happy." She may not always agree with me, but she nonetheless will support me. That is something I have learned and I hope to pass along to my daughters. I want them to always know that their happiness is so important to me. I want them to know that I will support them and be there for them, no matter what.
     I made a promise to myself in writing this blog that I would keep it real. I want people to relate to it, and I don't want to portray my life as perfect, as no one's is. I want to tell you about the good things and the bad. As I said before, I want to share my journey with you. My fears about my Pemaw are very real and something that I worry about daily. As much I love to talk to her everyday, the main reason I call is to check on her. She is manic depressive and bi polar. I am scared to death that one day she will forget to take her medicine and not know who I am and not mentally be okay. I have already experienced this with her a few times. It breaks my heart to remember the things that she went through. She has almost died several times and it is only by God's grace that she is still here. She is actually doing very well and her medicine has her disease very controlled. Unfortunately, she has been robbed of many memories. I ask her about things sometimes from when I was little, and she doesn't remember anymore. I read my blogs to her, and I hope maybe through my memories, she can find a few of her own that are missing.
     She has been such an influence on my life, and she has been a second mother to me. Without her, I would not be the person I am today. She adores my girls, and I am so thankful that I have at least one member of my family that loves them and wants to know about them. I want myself and the girls to spend as much time with her as we can in the coming years, or however long we have left. As we all know, time passes so quickly, and one day all we will have left is our memories... we only have now to make them as special as we possibly can. That is my words of wisdom for you today. Although we have always been told to appreciate each moment and each day that we are given, I think it can be hard to actually slow down and find the little joys in life. I hope that each of you reading this will see through my words how important it really is to treasure each moment, each milestone, and each memory.

The beginning of my journey

   It's strange the memories your mind holds on to. This blog is about my life, my childhood and how it defines who I am as a person and a mother. To start, I must tell you where the inspiration came from. I must tell you my story. I was born in 1979, and when I was three days old, my great-grandmother became my mother. She raised me as her own and gave me a very idyllic childhood. She was my rock, and in so many ways still is even though she is gone. She was 57 years old when I was born. I grew up in Memphis, TN in a very small three bedroom home. Small, but perfect. Just the right size. I had early bedtimes, three meals a day, and home cooked meals at that. She was very protective of what I saw on television, and what people were allowed into my life. I grew up on Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers. She made the best hot chocolate when it was cold outside after I walked home from school. She was always there. Always. There was never, not one day in my life that she was not home when I got out of school. I was never left home alone even for a few minutes. She never held a job outside of the home. She was a mother. Which I now know is the hardest but most rewarding job there is. When she got older, I became her caretaker. From 2003-2006, I was with her everyday. I took her to all of her doctor's appointments, made sure she took her medicine, did her grocery shopping, and was her friend. I will treasure the last years that I had with her. I think about her constantly. I never knew it was possible to miss someone the way that I miss her. You've heard the saying "Time heals all wounds." It is not true. It's been six years since she passed away and it not easier for me at all. I am hoping this blog will be in some ways therapeutic for me. I think maybe it will be good for me to write some of this out. To really think about what I learned from her. To honor her memory. 
    I had my first daughter, Ava Elizabeth in 2009. Her middle name is after my great -grandmother. I had my second daughter, Hayley Elaine, five months ago. I still can't believe I am a mommy to such beautiful amazing little angels. It breaks my heart daily that she never got to meet them. I wish with all of my heart that I could have one day with her. One day to show her my girls, one day to show her the person I have become. One day to tell her how very much I miss her and how I wish I could have the time back. After I had my girls, I started remembering things, little things. Special things. I began to see how much my childhood examples affect who I am as a mom. Little things I do and believe and practice with them. Things I cook. That is why I say she is still such an influence on my life today. I hope that if you have stumbled upon this, that you will see my heart in what I write. I am so blessed to have had the life that I have, and I wish to share this journey with anyone who would like to read it. I will go into so much more detail about my childhood, my grandmother, and my baby girls. I hope you will find my story interesting and will think about your own memories and how they have made you the person that you are today. 

This is for you, Mamaw. I love you so very much, now and forever. This is for my girls, Ava and Hayley. May you always know the love I have for you, how grateful I am to be your mommy, and how the things I teach you are for a reason, because they were taught to me. I hope I can be even a portion of the mother she was to me. I hope when you are grown and have children of your own, that I have left you the same legacy of love that I have instilled in me.